How To Write a How-To Article

by Frederic T. Poulson

As the author of over 500 published articles and one short story, I am often approached by aspiring young authors, asking me to provide the secret to successful writing. There is always the temptation to provide the glib, artsy answer: I don’t know how I do it; the ideas just pop into my head. Or there is the righteous answer: In order to be a writer, one must write. Write, write, write, until one is done writing, and then stop writing.

But of course, both answers are as pointless as telling the devil that she is evil. Ideas do not pop into one’s head—ping!—fully formed. Nor is the advice to stop dithering going to be of any use to the ditherer. What the budding author needs is precise instructions: What word comes first? What word comes after that, and after that? Where does the period occur, the comma, the semi-colon? Precision answers to such questions are the secret to successful writing.

To provide precision answers, it will be useful to provide a number for each paragraph in this essay. Of course, there is the title, which must be given the primordial number zero. Then Paragraph 1, which must be your by-line. If you are a prolific author (such as I), then consider using a pseudonym for your lesser works; anagrams work well. Then each body paragraph, carefully numbered for precise future reference.

Paragraph 0: How To Write a How-To Article

Paragraph 1: by Frederic T. Poulson

Paragraph 2: As the author of over 500 published articles and one short story, I am often approached by aspiring young authors, asking me to provide the secret to successful writing. There is always the temptation to provide the glib, artsy answer: I don’t know how I do it; the ideas just pop into my head. Or there is the righteous answer: In order to be a writer, one must write. Write, write, write, until one is done writing, and then stop writing.

Paragraph 3: But of course, both answers are as pointless as telling the devil that she is evil. Ideas do not pop into one’s head—ping!—fully formed. Nor is the advice to stop dithering going to be of any use to the ditherer. What the budding author needs is precise instructions: What word comes first? What word comes after that, and after that? Where do the periods occur, the commas, the semi-colons? Precision answers to such questions are the secret to successful writing.

Paragraph 4: To provide precision answers, it will be useful to provide a number for each paragraph in this essay. Of course, there is the title, which must be given the primordial number zero. Then Paragraph 1, which must be your by-line. If you are a prolific author (such as I), then consider using a pseudonym for your lesser work; anagrams work well. Then each body paragraph, carefully numbered for precise future reference.

Now, a precise direction: Write each of your paragraphs on a clean sheet of paper, from Paragraph 0 to Paragraph 4. In fact, the reason why I insisted on numbering the paragraphs in the first place was so that I could tell you when and where to write each of them. So, as I said: Write Paragraph 0, Paragraph 1, Paragraph 2, and Paragraph 3 on your clean paper.

Next, surprisingly, you must rewrite each paragraph. During the second writing, each paragraph is provided with extra indentation and labeled by its paragraph number for precise future reference. So, you see the back-and-forth method: Provide some information, and then repeat the information, carefully numbered for use in future instructions.

For a factual article, it helps scholarly appearances to insert an URL into the next paragraph (taking care to call it an URL rather than a URL, the latter of which will cause great hilarity among those in the know). I recommend http://www.cs.colorado.edu/~main/hermaphroditus.html, which tells the tale of how to write a computer program that computes a copy of itself.

Of course, we maintain the numbering of paragraphs.

Paragraph 5: Now, a precise direction: Write each of your paragraphs on a clean sheet of paper, from Paragraph 0 to Paragraph 4. In fact, the reason why I insisted on numbering the paragraphs in the first place was so that I could tell you when and where to write each of them. So, as I said: Write Paragraph 0, Paragraph 1, Paragraph 2, and Paragraph 3 on your clean paper.

Paragraph 6: Next, surprisingly, you must rewrite each paragraph. During the second writing, each paragraph is provided with extra indentation and labeled by its paragraph number for precise future reference. So, you see the back-and-forth method: Provide some information, and then repeat the information, carefully numbered for use in future instructions.

Paragraph 7: For a factual article, it helps scholarly appearances to insert an URL into the next paragraph (taking care to call it an URL rather than a URL, the latter of which will cause great hilarity among those in the know). I recommend http://www.cs.colorado.edu/~main/hermaphroditus.html, which tells the tale of how to write a computer program that computes a copy of itself.

Paragraph 8: Of course, we maintain the numbering of paragraphs.

Paragraph 9: Inevitably, after Paragraph 8, one runs into a seemingly bottomless pit. What can occur next without descending into an abyss of ever smaller and ever more useless fillips? The answer is simple: Turn things around. Put Paragraph 9 into your numbered list before you actually write it!

Paragraph 10: Continue inserting Paragraphs 9, 10, 11, and 12 into your list before they are written. It is critical to inform your reader that things are looking up no later than Paragraph 10, perhaps by the inclusion of a stunning genre riddle. My recommendation: What is the difference between an elephant and a proton?

Paragraph 11: At this point, you may be wondering about the actual moment-to-moment actions that you should be carrying out. Let me once again be precise with your next actions: Continue your work on your clean sheets of paper, writing Paragraphs 5 through 8. Then repeat Paragraphs 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 (using that extra indentation and carefully labeling each paragraph with its number). Yes, yes, I know, you haven’t yet written Paragraphs 9 through 13. Don’t let that bother you. Just finish writing those paragraphs in the special indented-and-labeled format. Then return to the main text of your article, rewriting Paragraphs 8 through 13 in the normal manner.

Paragraph 12: Your work is nearly complete. The final step is to peruse suitable publications, searching for a sympathetic editor. My suggestion is Analog Science Fiction and Science Fact, edited by the inestimable Stanley Schmidt.

Paragraph 13: Following the aforesaid method is guaranteed to produce satisfactory results for you the author, for your readers, and temporarily for your inestimable editor. The life of the editor’s glee will be roughly proportional to the gestation period of the instructions in your how-to article.

Inevitably, after Paragraph 8, one runs into a seemingly bottomless pit. What can occur next without descending into an abyss of ever smaller and ever more useless fillips? The answer is simple: Turn things around. Put Paragraph 9 into your numbered list before you actually write it!

Continue inserting Paragraphs 9, 10, 11, and 12 into your list before they are written. It is critical to inform your reader that things are looking up no later than Paragraph 10, perhaps by the inclusion of a stunning genre riddle. My recommendation: What is the difference between an elephant and a proton?

At this point, you may be wondering about the actual moment-to-moment actions that you should be carrying out. Let me once again be precise with your next actions: Continue your work on your clean sheets of paper, writing Paragraphs 5 through 8. Then repeat Paragraphs 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 (using that extra indentation and carefully labeling each paragraph with its number). Yes, yes, I know, you haven’t yet written Paragraphs 9 through 13. Don’t let that bother you. Just finish writing those paragraphs in the special indented-and-labeled format. Then return to the main text of your article, rewriting Paragraphs 8 through 13 in the normal manner.

Your work is nearly complete. The final step is to peruse suitable publications, searching for a sympathetic editor. My suggestion is Analog Science Fiction and Science Fact, edited by the inestimable Stanley Schmidt.

Following the aforesaid method is guaranteed to produce satisfactory results for you the author, for your readers, and temporarily for your inestimable editor. The life of the editor’s glee will be roughly proportional to the gestation period of the instructions in your how-to article.